Going from Miss Zoe to just Zoe

As i'm sure you've all gathered thus far my relationship with Max and the girls was progressing very quickly! at 3.5 months we had now said I love you, were spending almost every night together at my apartment, and I was becoming a consistant part of his children's lives.

Since it was summer and we both had vacation time coming up, we decided why not take the kids home to meet my family? My family has a big house in the woods with lots of things to do and see! So he reached out to Ava to let her know our plans, she was less than thrilled and didn't want the kids to go.

Her exact words were "if you want to go with Zoe yourself go ahead, i'll keep the kids for you. I wont have you playing super parent to our kids in front of Zoe and family for show"

With that lovely response Max let her know that the kids were already aware we wanted to take them, and we're very excited about it, she could explain to the kids why they weren't allowed to go. I guess Ava didn't like that so she agreed to let them join us.

1.5 weeks before we were set to leave (my mother already buying groceries and prepping the house for us to visit) Ava and Max have a disagreement about drop off time for the girls..... I want you all to know that I try SO SO hard to be neutral, I love Max and I know that he's not perfect, with that said I also have his back as his partner. So these arguments with the two of them are rough to be involved in.

Per the court mandated parent agreement Max doesn't have to drop the children off on Sunday's until 8pm...Ava without filing to have it legally changed decided on her own the most appropriate time from drop off is now 6:30pm. Max said he would try and get them home earlier but he would not agree to a set time of 6:30 every week, we have different plans from week to week and 6:30 is not always doable.

Ava took that so well, she threatened to take us to court if we didn't give her what she wanted, and if we tried to take the kids on the vacation she already said yes to, she would call the police and have us arrested.

At this point Max had not consulted with an attorney and really didn't understand his rights as a dad with joint custody. We didn't know that she actually can't tell us no, as long as we tell her before we leave, provide her with an address where the kids will be, and have the children home to her at the time mandated in the parent plan, we can take the kids where ever we please.

BUT because we didn't know that we cancelled our entire trip...This devastated my mom who was so excited to meet the girls, and royally pissed me off. All I kept thinking was what kind of selfish person does that to her kids? You don't get your way so you cancel a trip they've been looking forward to and punish them?

This is when I started seeing what was happening with her and Max. He was keeping me shielded pretty well, not sharing with me the depth of how she speaks to him, threatens to take the kids from him, and insults him on a weekly basis.

I don't feel i'm a petty person, and most if not all the people in my life tell me that I'm thoughtful and kind, however, people that hurt Max, and my now bonus kids make me a new person entirely.

 I had been wanting to ask Max about moving in together, and was hoping to do so a few months down the road....but thanks to Ava, we now had a long weekend and no plans. I asked Max and the kids to move in with me instead of trying to plan a new vacation.

I was surprised and happy to see that Max was on the same page, and had been thinking about it too. So he shot Ava a text letting her know he was moving, and would "have only one roommate" (insert laugh here) I did make him offer to Ava the opportunity to come over and see where the kids would be living, to make sure she knew it was clean and safe....she declined.

The girls now had their own room, we could stop coordinating schedules to see each other, and best of all no more driving back and fourth!

And just like that on move in day at 4 months of dating and 2 months into knowing the kids, they stopped calling me Miss Zoe, I'm now just Zoe.

First overnight and meeting their mom

So by now you all know how our little family came together, and this is where it gets complicated.

Lilly and Violet have now known me for about a month, Violet had her 5th birthday and I was invited! I had NO idea what to get her, so I bought her a board game, a cute mermaid tail blanket, and a book. (seemed to go over well) I played with them both in a bouncy castle, children really show you how out of shape you are, MY LEGS WERE BURNING!

Max and I lived about 15-20 mins away from each other, he was renting from family friends, and I lived in my own apartment with the dog. The more time we spent together the girls wanted me to do everything with them! It really is an amazing feeling to have two little nuggets want your opinion and your company, that's a love I wasn't familiar with. (I still feel a little confused by it in all honesty, its a hard love to be 100% open to, they give it freely and make you feel invincible, and then one sentence later its like you're an evil sea sponge out to kill their dreams) with that thought in mind, I have never felt more in love with a man, seeing him with the kids has only made me fall harder. Those girls just adore him and its barely 3 months into our relationship, and i'm having a hard time keeping the words "I love you" from spewing out of my mouth.

At this point the girls (and myself admittedly but I wasn't ready to tell Max yet) hated when I had to leave...I looked forward all week to the time we would all spend together, but it was a horrible feeling to say goodnight and then drive back to my empty apartment. Max must have been on the same page, because he decided that a weekend away was just the ticket! So the following weekend he picked the girls up and off we went for a little beach getaway.

The girls asked me to sleep with them, so we compromised and Max and I snuggled them to sleep and then slept in the room next door. I can't say I've ever had a little girl wake me up by jumping into bed before, but now that's my everyday.

I hadn't realized that a weekend away meant that I would be in the car at drop off....I looked like hell because we've been at the beach 2 days running, but sure lets do this!

Max pulled into the driveway and the girls hopped out, gave their dad a hug and kiss, and headed for the house. I would be lying if I didn't admit that it hurt my feeling a little that they didn't hug me goodbye. The girls were regularly holding my hand, hugging, and kissing me every chance they got...but then I realized their mom was standing there watching us, and I don't blame the kids for not knowing what to do.

His ex (we'll call her Ava) seemed peeved and walked towards us, addressed Max first and complained that she needed him to answer her messages, he just said sure and there was an awkward silence. Finally she turned to me and introduced herself, we shook hands and exchanged smiles, I made sure to compliment her children to her, and then we left.

We made it 5 miles down the road when Max's phone started lighting up....6 text messages later Ava made her objections to/about me known:

• How dare he do an overnight with me this soon in front of the girls 
• Where did we all sleep?
• Where were we this weekend? 
• If this doesn't work out between the two of us, HE gets to explain to the girls why i'm not around anymore

I would like to go on record in Ava's defense and say all of those things listed above are valid points, and as I've said in my previous entries I'm happy she's a concerned mom. I don't blame her for being worried, and for asking questions, that is her right as a parent. 

What I don't like, and what still happens to this very day is that we drop the kids off, and in our 30 minute commute Max will 9/10 times have a text(s) about our weekend insulting we did and misconstruing things that were said...this tells me that the minute the girls get home, they are being interrogated, being "asked" about their weekend not out of curiosity and conversation, but being pumped for information. This ladies and gents I do not condone, and i'm pretty disgusted with it, and this was just the beginning.  

Time to meet the kids!

(sorry for the delay in posting life got messy as per usual with kids)

So here we are! Ex-wife has been contacted and knows i'm going to meet the children, I am TERRIFIED, my wonderful boyfriend as usual is cool as a cucumber.

At this point I'm having a hard time not using names so i'm going to name us all for fun! 

Me- Zoe

Boyfriend- Max 

Oldest daughter- Lilly 

Youngest daughter- Violet

My dog (now our family dog)- Mia

We sat down and discussed how we should do the introduction, should it be just a few hours? bowling? movies? hiking? so many options! We decided it was best to just do a few hours Saturday, and then not see each other Sunday, let them digest and see how they feel.

I googled around and found a cute theme park nearby that has a lot of rides for small kids, he loved it! So it was set, he bought our tickets online and I was packing a picnic lunch and snacks.

I met a girlfriend for dinner Friday night to keep my nerves calm while he spent the day with the kids, and told them about meeting me. I was in full blown panic by my second drink! What was I doing?! Kids?! Dear god I didn't ask him how he was introducing me....am I his girlfriend? a friend? what if they hate all the food I packed?! SHIT. 

Luckily I have amazing friends who understand I'm a walking panic attack when I don't have everything planned and at the ready...a few drinks, and some warm carbs and I was going to fake it till I made it! 

We decided to have him bring the girls to my place, meet me and the dog (in case I failed to mention I have the cutest dog ever for her privacy I named her Mia lol) and then ride together to the park. So I woke up early, packed the cooler and per usual I was ready 1.5 hours before I needed to be.  I sat on my couch and went through the motions "hi I'm Zoe" or how about "hello girls my name is Zoe, I've heard so much about you!" 

Meeting them needn't be that thought out...they're kids, it was simple. "Hi" that's all it took, off to the races! They were SO much prettier in person, and so polite! Max introduced me as Miss Zoe and from that moment on it was get to know me questions, music, and laughing. 

The youngest daughter who will from now on be known as Violet took to me first, 10 minutes into being at the park, she was holding my hand asking me every question a 4 year old can muster in her cute little brain. By 20 minutes into the park Violet, and the oldest daughter now known as Lilly were fighting over who would sit with me on the rides. It was truly about as easy a day as I could think of...we all just seemed to fit together.

All in all it went amazing for a first meeting, and the girls we're so happy with me as a new addition that they invited me over on the ride home for the following day. I politely declined and told them it was amazing to meet them, but I wanted to make sure they spent enough time with their dad. They seemed happy with that answer, until my phone rang Sunday morning.

Lilly and Violet we're on my phone asking me to join them for lunch! "we really want you to come over, dad says its okay" I was about to learn quickly they are persistent, honest to a fault, and loving little people. 

So that was it...I had lunch with them Sunday and from that weekend on, we became a unit. If I wasn't there by Saturday afternoon every weekend they would ask Max to call me. That was the start of my new family. 

The not so slow introduction

So here we are, I've made peace with the fact that i'm falling in love with a man who has children and now we have to figure out how to deal with it.

The beginning 2 months were simple enough, he was with me 2-3 times a week in person and we talked everyday on the phone or via text. He never really talked about the kids or mentioned them so I felt it best not to either. Things started to get harder at the 2.5 month mark, I would say goodbye to him via text on Friday " have an amazing weekend with the little ladies, can't wait to see you Sunday night!" and he would respond with well wishes for my weekend.

I'm a social person, I have plenty I can do on my weekend! Yet there I was sitting on my couch or out and about thinking of him, missing him, wondering what he and the kids were up to, what they were like?! But I knew I needed to be patient and respectful of how he wanted to handle our new found situation.

Of course I already knew what they looked like, as a woman meeting a strange man before our first date I stalked the crap out of him! Gorgeous girls, and i'm not just saying that because I love them and now they're my bonus kids, they are just beautiful girls. Pictures of proud moments, hiking, and lots of funny faces made me think they were a lot like him (or at least I hoped they were).

Then one Saturday I got an unexpected snap chat....it was him and the girls having a dance party jumping around and laughing, I had to replay it! It was adorable, and it honestly took my breath away for a minute.

This was it! He was ready to start letting me in to that part of his life, and this would be the beginning of us merging our separate lives into one family life. I replied to it telling him how much it made me laugh, and how beautiful the girls were.

From that moment on he opened up, telling me about their personalities and how much he misses them when they're gone. We talked about them at least once every time we were together, not for long just little bits of info from him, or me asking about their weekend adventures. I felt honored that he was including me, but he made sure to do it little bits at a time.

We quickly realized that living two separate lives and trying to make plans was difficult, "lets do this! oh wait you have the kids that day" "I want you to meet my friends, but their kids would tell my kids about you" Just as I was getting disheartened and frustrated he told me he was too, and it was time to just meet them.

oh god what?! its been 3 months.....that's half of the time I told him I was comfortable with. I'm not an anxious person by nature, but I am a planner. When things don't go to plan I panic and boy oh boy was I panicked! Am I ready for this? He and I were doing so well! what if the kids hated me, and he dumps me?

I told him no at first, told him it was too soon and that I wasn't ready yet. He pushed me through my panic by talking me into a corner. Did I plan on leaving him? No. Did I like him? Yes, in fact I was head over heels in love with him, but didn't say it yet! Did I hate kids? No. Did I miss him on the weekends? Yes, and just like that I had no excuses.....

I did have some reason to be concerned, however, his ex...from everything I was told this would not be easy for us. They had a volatile relationship to say the least. Without getting too detailed for privacy purposes it was down right nasty. I was under the impression I would not be a welcomed presence, and because of that I made him reach out to her first.

I agreed to meeting the kids early as long as he told her it was happening, and extended the offer for me to meet her first. I know some of you are wondering if i'm medicated at this point but here's my reasoning: I'm a stranger, these are her children, I wanted her to know that i'm not a danger to them, and that I respect her as their mother. I don't have children of my own, I can't imagine what it would feel like handing them off knowing a stranger will be around them all the time.

He said no, so I said no! Like any well balanced couple we compromised and he did what I asked :)

She was less than thrilled about her children meeting me, thought it was too soon but had no interest in meeting me or speaking to me prior. I found no offense in her decline but her objection to the meeting told me one thing...she cares about her children, and their well being, and that makes her a good mom. At that point I was ready, if she loved her children, and she was a good mom that didn't involve them in her issues with us, I can handle it.

So there it was, I was going to meet them. Shit just got real.

The first date, and the start of a new life

So by now I'm sure you've read my first post, know a background on me and why this blog exists. I found myself looking for anything I could get my hands on for advice, do's and don'ts, support, etc and was met with a lot of negative. Blending families isn't easy and whether you do it with kids on both sides, both parents sharing custody, or only one parent in the picture its going to be ups and downs. I plan to take you step by step in my journey in the hopes that it gives some guidance or at least a brother in arms when you need one.

First lesson? Becoming a bonus parent all starts with a man or woman with kids becoming part of your life. The two of you, and how you communicate will frame your relationship not only as a couple but as "parents".

My first date with the man who would become my boyfriend and someday hopefully husband was nothing short of amazing! Low key, fun, and completely about us. We met at a bar for drinks and trivia (neither of us should ever play trivia we lost horribly) however, losing with him was better than a win with anyone else (I know gag, but its true).

How he handled the get to know each other conversation literally stopped me in my tracks, and it set the two of us on the right path. After the hellos, ordering drinks and general awkward few first minutes had passed he looked at me and made this statement:

"So you know I'm a dad...I have two amazing girls that I love, and an ex-wife. I know that's a lot, so i'm going to give you all the questions you want right now, but after you're out of questions that's it. You can ask anything you want, and after that nothing more about them, after that its just about me and you." 

I only had a few questions for him:

1.) Are you legally divorced?  Yes
2.) How old are your daughters? 4 and 6
3.) What are there names?  beautiful names I wont be posting on the blog for privacy
4.) How often do you have them? 3 weekends a month
5.) Do you want anymore children? No? Thank god because I wont give you any if this works out

Those seemed like fair questions to him, he answered them all, and boy can I tell you the look on his face when he spoke about his girls? Straight swoon. I grew up with the worlds best dad, and to see a man as crazy about his kids as my dad was about me?! Take me I'm yours!

I also had some rules for him though, I let him know if this went further that I wouldn't meet his children until 6-9 months of us dating. ( I grew up with separated parents, I know what its like to be a kid with new adult parental figures around, I didn't want to have either of us getting attached if it wasn't going to work) He seemed happy with that statement and we moved on.

After our wonderful first date, we had a second a few days later, and even then no mention of the children or of his ex. After the 2nd date we just sort of stuck. Talked everyday via text or phone call, saw each other every 2-3 days, but then the weekends came.

He has his children 3 weekends a month, so all week long he was mine, and then Friday after 4pm until Sunday night it was silence. My first reaction was wow, I wouldn't want this any other way! He loves his kids, and is spending all his time and focus on them. My second reaction was a selfish one that came a few weeks later; not even a text after the kids are in bed? I can't even get a single text?! I don't know if I can do this.....

This brought about a question that you will all have to ask yourselves in this situation. Are you okay with being second? Can you live your life knowing that you, and your needs will in some way take a back burner to another person(s)?

After a lot of deliberation, wine, perspective from my closest friends both with kids and without, and some more wine I came to the following conclusion. Yes I can be second, this man worships me when we're together, he's sweet, loving, attentive, and so so good looking! If he had continued to give me the same kind of attention when he was with his children, I would have lost respect for him on some level. The kind of dedication he gave his children is a piece of my attraction to him, and eventually that's the kind of dedication he gave me too. I never feel second best, I feel included and my opinion is not only valued, but asked for by both him and the girls.

If you're not sure of the answer to this question do not, I repeat do not even think about meeting those children. You owe it to yourself, and to your partner and his kids to be sure of your own needs before involving them. Being a biological parent you have time to develop this love and devotion for your kids, they're a piece of you. Being a bonus parent you walk into it cold turkey and you make a choice to love and devote to someone(s) that wont ever truly be yours. It can be a really thankless love that leave you heartbroken, but its also a rewarding experience, and a true honor to shape another persons life.

Why step mother and not just mom?

I decided to start this blog as I find myself in the predicament of being a parent without technically being a mom...wait what?

Lets do a quick recap, and introduction to get you all caught up:

I'm a woman in her late 20's living in New England, I work for an amazing nonprofit company, and generally I love my life. I don't even remotely think I have my shit together, but I'm proud to say I'm a work in progress striving to be a better person everyday.

Somewhere in my mid 20's I would say around 24, I found myself making the decision that I didn't want children of my own. Disclaimer: I love children, I come from a very large loving family, but I found I didn't quite have that burning desire to be a mom. For one reason or another that makes women roll their eyes... sound familiar to anyone out there?

"You're too young to make that decision, talk to me in 5 years!"

"Awe that's cute! You think you have a choice?! It's going to happen with or without your permission! I got pregnant on birth control"

"When you meet the right man that'll change!"  

I know most women give these exclamations thinking its helpful, and have these conversations because they're moms themselves trying to share their wisdom. Either way its infuriating, and a daily struggle for me to defend myself.

If I ever got pregnant well it is what it is! I'll be the best mom I can, and take care of my child and love it. That being said, I'm doing everything I can to prevent that from being a possibility, I DON'T feel I need a child of my own to be complete. I support every woman who is a mom, all I ask is that I get the same respect with my life choices as I give you.

(steps off soap box) End rant moving on!

I was in a relationship with a man for the better part of a decade who also didn't want children, the plan was to get married, and enjoy childless matrimony....didn't quite work out.

I found myself living alone, needing to work on myself (which I did!) I made peace with my choices and decided it was time to start fresh, and embark into the dating world!

Any ladies out there who are doing it currently or have in the past know its INSANE now a days to date. I have no idea what happened to meeting someone at a bar, in a coffee shop, or just naturally in your everyday life but it seems to have disappeared. Online dating took me on quite a few adventures, including a man who asked me to meet him at a warehouse(insert american psycho joke here) but after a lot of duds, and a few unsettling photos, I got one!

This is where our fun begins readers, one date later and i'm faced with the hard line that I might fall for a man who has children bum bum bum....