So by now I'm sure you've read my first post, know a background on me and why this blog exists. I found myself looking for anything I could get my hands on for advice, do's and don'ts, support, etc and was met with a lot of negative. Blending families isn't easy and whether you do it with kids on both sides, both parents sharing custody, or only one parent in the picture its going to be ups and downs. I plan to take you step by step in my journey in the hopes that it gives some guidance or at least a brother in arms when you need one.
First lesson? Becoming a bonus parent all starts with a man or woman with kids becoming part of your life. The two of you, and how you communicate will frame your relationship not only as a couple but as "parents".
My first date with the man who would become my boyfriend and someday hopefully husband was nothing short of amazing! Low key, fun, and completely about us. We met at a bar for drinks and trivia (neither of us should ever play trivia we lost horribly) however, losing with him was better than a win with anyone else (I know gag, but its true).
How he handled the get to know each other conversation literally stopped me in my tracks, and it set the two of us on the right path. After the hellos, ordering drinks and general awkward few first minutes had passed he looked at me and made this statement:
"So you know I'm a dad...I have two amazing girls that I love, and an ex-wife. I know that's a lot, so i'm going to give you all the questions you want right now, but after you're out of questions that's it. You can ask anything you want, and after that nothing more about them, after that its just about me and you."
I only had a few questions for him:
1.) Are you legally divorced? Yes
2.) How old are your daughters? 4 and 6
3.) What are there names? beautiful names I wont be posting on the blog for privacy
4.) How often do you have them? 3 weekends a month
5.) Do you want anymore children? No? Thank god because I wont give you any if this works out
Those seemed like fair questions to him, he answered them all, and boy can I tell you the look on his face when he spoke about his girls? Straight swoon. I grew up with the worlds best dad, and to see a man as crazy about his kids as my dad was about me?! Take me I'm yours!
I also had some rules for him though, I let him know if this went further that I wouldn't meet his children until 6-9 months of us dating. ( I grew up with separated parents, I know what its like to be a kid with new adult parental figures around, I didn't want to have either of us getting attached if it wasn't going to work) He seemed happy with that statement and we moved on.
After our wonderful first date, we had a second a few days later, and even then no mention of the children or of his ex. After the 2nd date we just sort of stuck. Talked everyday via text or phone call, saw each other every 2-3 days, but then the weekends came.
He has his children 3 weekends a month, so all week long he was mine, and then Friday after 4pm until Sunday night it was silence. My first reaction was wow, I wouldn't want this any other way! He loves his kids, and is spending all his time and focus on them. My second reaction was a selfish one that came a few weeks later; not even a text after the kids are in bed? I can't even get a single text?! I don't know if I can do this.....
This brought about a question that you will all have to ask yourselves in this situation. Are you okay with being second? Can you live your life knowing that you, and your needs will in some way take a back burner to another person(s)?
After a lot of deliberation, wine, perspective from my closest friends both with kids and without, and some more wine I came to the following conclusion. Yes I can be second, this man worships me when we're together, he's sweet, loving, attentive, and so so good looking! If he had continued to give me the same kind of attention when he was with his children, I would have lost respect for him on some level. The kind of dedication he gave his children is a piece of my attraction to him, and eventually that's the kind of dedication he gave me too. I never feel second best, I feel included and my opinion is not only valued, but asked for by both him and the girls.
If you're not sure of the answer to this question do not, I repeat do not even think about meeting those children. You owe it to yourself, and to your partner and his kids to be sure of your own needs before involving them. Being a biological parent you have time to develop this love and devotion for your kids, they're a piece of you. Being a bonus parent you walk into it cold turkey and you make a choice to love and devote to someone(s) that wont ever truly be yours. It can be a really thankless love that leave you heartbroken, but its also a rewarding experience, and a true honor to shape another persons life.
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