The not so slow introduction

So here we are, I've made peace with the fact that i'm falling in love with a man who has children and now we have to figure out how to deal with it.

The beginning 2 months were simple enough, he was with me 2-3 times a week in person and we talked everyday on the phone or via text. He never really talked about the kids or mentioned them so I felt it best not to either. Things started to get harder at the 2.5 month mark, I would say goodbye to him via text on Friday " have an amazing weekend with the little ladies, can't wait to see you Sunday night!" and he would respond with well wishes for my weekend.

I'm a social person, I have plenty I can do on my weekend! Yet there I was sitting on my couch or out and about thinking of him, missing him, wondering what he and the kids were up to, what they were like?! But I knew I needed to be patient and respectful of how he wanted to handle our new found situation.

Of course I already knew what they looked like, as a woman meeting a strange man before our first date I stalked the crap out of him! Gorgeous girls, and i'm not just saying that because I love them and now they're my bonus kids, they are just beautiful girls. Pictures of proud moments, hiking, and lots of funny faces made me think they were a lot like him (or at least I hoped they were).

Then one Saturday I got an unexpected snap chat....it was him and the girls having a dance party jumping around and laughing, I had to replay it! It was adorable, and it honestly took my breath away for a minute.

This was it! He was ready to start letting me in to that part of his life, and this would be the beginning of us merging our separate lives into one family life. I replied to it telling him how much it made me laugh, and how beautiful the girls were.

From that moment on he opened up, telling me about their personalities and how much he misses them when they're gone. We talked about them at least once every time we were together, not for long just little bits of info from him, or me asking about their weekend adventures. I felt honored that he was including me, but he made sure to do it little bits at a time.

We quickly realized that living two separate lives and trying to make plans was difficult, "lets do this! oh wait you have the kids that day" "I want you to meet my friends, but their kids would tell my kids about you" Just as I was getting disheartened and frustrated he told me he was too, and it was time to just meet them.

oh god what?! its been 3 months.....that's half of the time I told him I was comfortable with. I'm not an anxious person by nature, but I am a planner. When things don't go to plan I panic and boy oh boy was I panicked! Am I ready for this? He and I were doing so well! what if the kids hated me, and he dumps me?

I told him no at first, told him it was too soon and that I wasn't ready yet. He pushed me through my panic by talking me into a corner. Did I plan on leaving him? No. Did I like him? Yes, in fact I was head over heels in love with him, but didn't say it yet! Did I hate kids? No. Did I miss him on the weekends? Yes, and just like that I had no excuses.....

I did have some reason to be concerned, however, his ex...from everything I was told this would not be easy for us. They had a volatile relationship to say the least. Without getting too detailed for privacy purposes it was down right nasty. I was under the impression I would not be a welcomed presence, and because of that I made him reach out to her first.

I agreed to meeting the kids early as long as he told her it was happening, and extended the offer for me to meet her first. I know some of you are wondering if i'm medicated at this point but here's my reasoning: I'm a stranger, these are her children, I wanted her to know that i'm not a danger to them, and that I respect her as their mother. I don't have children of my own, I can't imagine what it would feel like handing them off knowing a stranger will be around them all the time.

He said no, so I said no! Like any well balanced couple we compromised and he did what I asked :)

She was less than thrilled about her children meeting me, thought it was too soon but had no interest in meeting me or speaking to me prior. I found no offense in her decline but her objection to the meeting told me one thing...she cares about her children, and their well being, and that makes her a good mom. At that point I was ready, if she loved her children, and she was a good mom that didn't involve them in her issues with us, I can handle it.

So there it was, I was going to meet them. Shit just got real.

The first date, and the start of a new life

So by now I'm sure you've read my first post, know a background on me and why this blog exists. I found myself looking for anything I could get my hands on for advice, do's and don'ts, support, etc and was met with a lot of negative. Blending families isn't easy and whether you do it with kids on both sides, both parents sharing custody, or only one parent in the picture its going to be ups and downs. I plan to take you step by step in my journey in the hopes that it gives some guidance or at least a brother in arms when you need one.

First lesson? Becoming a bonus parent all starts with a man or woman with kids becoming part of your life. The two of you, and how you communicate will frame your relationship not only as a couple but as "parents".

My first date with the man who would become my boyfriend and someday hopefully husband was nothing short of amazing! Low key, fun, and completely about us. We met at a bar for drinks and trivia (neither of us should ever play trivia we lost horribly) however, losing with him was better than a win with anyone else (I know gag, but its true).

How he handled the get to know each other conversation literally stopped me in my tracks, and it set the two of us on the right path. After the hellos, ordering drinks and general awkward few first minutes had passed he looked at me and made this statement:

"So you know I'm a dad...I have two amazing girls that I love, and an ex-wife. I know that's a lot, so i'm going to give you all the questions you want right now, but after you're out of questions that's it. You can ask anything you want, and after that nothing more about them, after that its just about me and you." 

I only had a few questions for him:

1.) Are you legally divorced?  Yes
2.) How old are your daughters? 4 and 6
3.) What are there names?  beautiful names I wont be posting on the blog for privacy
4.) How often do you have them? 3 weekends a month
5.) Do you want anymore children? No? Thank god because I wont give you any if this works out

Those seemed like fair questions to him, he answered them all, and boy can I tell you the look on his face when he spoke about his girls? Straight swoon. I grew up with the worlds best dad, and to see a man as crazy about his kids as my dad was about me?! Take me I'm yours!

I also had some rules for him though, I let him know if this went further that I wouldn't meet his children until 6-9 months of us dating. ( I grew up with separated parents, I know what its like to be a kid with new adult parental figures around, I didn't want to have either of us getting attached if it wasn't going to work) He seemed happy with that statement and we moved on.

After our wonderful first date, we had a second a few days later, and even then no mention of the children or of his ex. After the 2nd date we just sort of stuck. Talked everyday via text or phone call, saw each other every 2-3 days, but then the weekends came.

He has his children 3 weekends a month, so all week long he was mine, and then Friday after 4pm until Sunday night it was silence. My first reaction was wow, I wouldn't want this any other way! He loves his kids, and is spending all his time and focus on them. My second reaction was a selfish one that came a few weeks later; not even a text after the kids are in bed? I can't even get a single text?! I don't know if I can do this.....

This brought about a question that you will all have to ask yourselves in this situation. Are you okay with being second? Can you live your life knowing that you, and your needs will in some way take a back burner to another person(s)?

After a lot of deliberation, wine, perspective from my closest friends both with kids and without, and some more wine I came to the following conclusion. Yes I can be second, this man worships me when we're together, he's sweet, loving, attentive, and so so good looking! If he had continued to give me the same kind of attention when he was with his children, I would have lost respect for him on some level. The kind of dedication he gave his children is a piece of my attraction to him, and eventually that's the kind of dedication he gave me too. I never feel second best, I feel included and my opinion is not only valued, but asked for by both him and the girls.

If you're not sure of the answer to this question do not, I repeat do not even think about meeting those children. You owe it to yourself, and to your partner and his kids to be sure of your own needs before involving them. Being a biological parent you have time to develop this love and devotion for your kids, they're a piece of you. Being a bonus parent you walk into it cold turkey and you make a choice to love and devote to someone(s) that wont ever truly be yours. It can be a really thankless love that leave you heartbroken, but its also a rewarding experience, and a true honor to shape another persons life.

Why step mother and not just mom?

I decided to start this blog as I find myself in the predicament of being a parent without technically being a mom...wait what?

Lets do a quick recap, and introduction to get you all caught up:

I'm a woman in her late 20's living in New England, I work for an amazing nonprofit company, and generally I love my life. I don't even remotely think I have my shit together, but I'm proud to say I'm a work in progress striving to be a better person everyday.

Somewhere in my mid 20's I would say around 24, I found myself making the decision that I didn't want children of my own. Disclaimer: I love children, I come from a very large loving family, but I found I didn't quite have that burning desire to be a mom. For one reason or another that makes women roll their eyes... sound familiar to anyone out there?

"You're too young to make that decision, talk to me in 5 years!"

"Awe that's cute! You think you have a choice?! It's going to happen with or without your permission! I got pregnant on birth control"

"When you meet the right man that'll change!"  

I know most women give these exclamations thinking its helpful, and have these conversations because they're moms themselves trying to share their wisdom. Either way its infuriating, and a daily struggle for me to defend myself.

If I ever got pregnant well it is what it is! I'll be the best mom I can, and take care of my child and love it. That being said, I'm doing everything I can to prevent that from being a possibility, I DON'T feel I need a child of my own to be complete. I support every woman who is a mom, all I ask is that I get the same respect with my life choices as I give you.

(steps off soap box) End rant moving on!

I was in a relationship with a man for the better part of a decade who also didn't want children, the plan was to get married, and enjoy childless matrimony....didn't quite work out.

I found myself living alone, needing to work on myself (which I did!) I made peace with my choices and decided it was time to start fresh, and embark into the dating world!

Any ladies out there who are doing it currently or have in the past know its INSANE now a days to date. I have no idea what happened to meeting someone at a bar, in a coffee shop, or just naturally in your everyday life but it seems to have disappeared. Online dating took me on quite a few adventures, including a man who asked me to meet him at a warehouse(insert american psycho joke here) but after a lot of duds, and a few unsettling photos, I got one!

This is where our fun begins readers, one date later and i'm faced with the hard line that I might fall for a man who has children bum bum bum....